First thing in the morning. Just woke up. Last thing at night, first thing in the morning. My normal.. Must be changed.

I've got to start treating her like I treat Kay Rui. But that is completely different. Maybe like how I treat Chuw Teck? I text them only when I need to. When Im meeting up with them. But Im not meeting up with her any time till the end of this year, if we even meet up at all. I might be in Malaysia. I text her once every 3 days on average. I dont even do that with Kay Rui. I've been treating her like a potential gf that has gone overseas. I've been treating her special. Ive got to undo that. But where is the line.. how often do I text her? That's usually based on feeling isnt it.. But I cant rely on feelings this time. I dont tell Kay Rui about the stuff happening in my life unless it's about this, and he gives me advice. I dont want advice from her about someone else lol. Maybe treat her like I treat Xinni? But I dont usually text xinni every few days, and I dont tell her about how I feel each day or what Im doing everyday, only when we are going to meet up. Come to think of it, I hardly text people for no reason, only when we're going to meet up.

Things are supposed to change, but I dont know how.. I need to un-focus my life on her. She's now just a good friend, on the sidelines of my life, not a part of it in that sense anymore.. Not someone Im sharing my life with anymore. That means. I reply her when I feel like it, and I mustnt feel like this. Her texts must not make me excited. Im not excited when Kay Rui texts me, or Chuw. Right? I'm so confused. That means I stop telling her all that's happening in my life, right? How I feel about things, all the cute stuff, all the random stuff, all the conversation-making stuff, right? I cant take this. Im supposed to barely text her at all, and say things not very personal? I dont think I'll be able to stand it if she whatsapps me a pic of herself doing anything, or a guitar song, or her lessons in school. If she's not my partner, Im not supposed to be that interested in her life, right?

But if I do all this, our friendship will just grow distant. She sees this whole thing as a friendship, I used to see the exact same thing as a more intimate relationship, if I donwplay everything, it will seem to her like Im downplaying our friendship too. Basically, if i wasnt interested in her, I would not have continually texted her..? Is that it? I dont know what on earth Im saying anymore. I cant imagine not texting her every few days, let alone once a month. I think when Kay Rui goes overseas, it'll be damn difficult to maintain.. Why the flying F*** is everyone going everywhere anyway. Makes things so much more difficult. Life's getting more difficult each day. ORD feels more like a curse in disguise. I'll suddenly have so much free time, but there would be no meaning to it. There would be no meaning in texting her anymore, kay rui will be gone. Life's going to change. A lot. And if I go overseas to malaysia, it'll change even more. Basically, she's one of the meanings in my life, even when she's overseas, I still make her a part of it. Now that she's not supposed to be in my heart anymore, where's the meaning in my life??

So in order to treat her as a friend, I have to lose our relationship altogether?? I have to put in effort, to devaluate what we have now?..?!?! But if I treated her like I treat Kay Rui now, I wouldnt even be texting her at all, yet alone be holding an endless conversation about each of our lives on a daily basis. I only text Kay Rui when we want to meet. Likewise for chuw teck. Likewise for Brian. For Larry. For Jordan. But I cant meet her till year end or maybe worse, doesnt mean I dont text her at all.. What do I say in my texts even? She sends me stuff about her daily life, retarded stuff, and it felt like a relationship to me when she does. Felt like she was making an effort to make me a part of her life, letting me into her life. Apparently, but it doesnt work that way to me. If Im not interested in her, I wouldnt even be texting her, because the only emotion Ive felt for her is this, that drives my want/need to talk to her. But now, if I need to erase that.. would a normal friend be talking to you every 2 days when you're overseas for a year? But we're not normal friends right? We're supposed to be like best friends. Even then, every 2 days? Maybe once a month is more like it. Right?! I cant do that. Ive been talking to her every 2 days for the past 4 years. It's like a daily routine already. She's part of my life because Ive made it that way since day 1. I've put in a conscious effort to make her feel important, to make her feel wanted. Now Im supposed to take that away, and replace it with friendship. That's bull.